How To Stop Hating Someone

There is no question that feeling hatred toward someone is a very negative emotion. It’s not necessarily one we want to embrace but it does have its place. When directed at people who deserve our hatred, however, it becomes something else entirely. Hatred has become so commonplace lately as to be considered acceptable behavior in certain circles. We see examples every day on TV news shows where politicians spew out hateful comments about their opponents, religious figures preach hatred toward those they consider sinful, and even celebrities engage in this type of rhetoric. The problem is when these actions happen in real life. They’re not just words; they’re carried out by flesh-and-blood individuals who make mistakes like anyone else.
We may not agree on what motivates some people to say hateful things, but regardless of why people behave badly, there are two general guidelines that will help us determine if a particular action warrants anger or outrage. The first guideline is whether or not the action harms others directly. For example, saying hurtful things about a woman because she happens to work in your office is different than saying hurtful things about her because she’s a member of a race you dislike. In both cases, the woman is being personally attacked, but in the second case, she might be targeted simply because she shares the same skin color as members of the race you despise. Racial slurs such as “nigger” fall into this category. Another way to look at it would be to ask yourself, “Does this person belong to my community?” If the answer is yes, then hating them isn’t going to harm anyone outside of your own mind.
The second guideline is whether or not the action causes physical harm. Saying mean things about someone behind his back doesn’t cause him any lasting damage; he’ll still be able to live happily after the conversation takes place. However, telling lies about him to his face could get you kicked off campus. This kind of action also falls under the umbrella of harming others directly.
When determining how to handle situations involving hatred, we must keep in mind that hatred is essentially a form of violence. And while it’s true that most of us have never taken up arms against others, we’ve all been harmed indirectly through the misuse of words. Words are powerful tools and unless used wisely, they can do tremendous harm. As human beings we need love, acceptance, and encouragement from other people. When we use hateful language, we diminish ourselves and contribute to the decline of society.
So how should we respond to hatred? First, remember that hatred is a product of fear, which means we shouldn’t take it personally. Hate speech, racial epithets, and verbal attacks aren’t meant to harm us personally. Their sole purpose is to separate us from each other and create walls between groups of people. Since hatred causes division among humans, it’s really up to us to break down those barriers.
If we find ourselves in a position where we have to deal with hatred directly, the following tips will help guide us.
Lead With Empathy And Compassion

Don’t Be Afraid Of Confrontation

Avoid Personal Attacks At All Costs

Know Your Limits

Lead With Empathy And Compassion
You can stop hating someone by leading with empathy and compassion. While we often think of empathy as an attribute reserved for compassionate people, everyone has the capacity for empathy. You can start using empathy by asking questions and listening carefully to whatever answers you receive. By doing this you show interest in the other person and demonstrate respect. Next, try taking a step further by seeking out information about the subject of the hatred. Once you gain enough knowledge about the situation, you can begin to empathize more deeply.
In order to empathize effectively, you must be willing to suspend judgment until you learn more about the subject at hand. By giving people the benefit of the doubt, you allow them to open up to you without needing to justify themselves. Even though people are afraid to trust strangers sometimes, generally speaking we prefer to be treated fairly rather than harshly.
Don’t Be Afraid Of Confrontation
Confronting someone about their hatred is difficult because the emotions attached to the issue are strong. But staying silent only perpetuates the cycle of hatred. It makes it easier for the haters to continue spreading negativity around town, especially when others choose to remain silent. Some people avoid confrontation out of cowardice, while others believe confrontations are inherently hostile and therefore harmful. Either way, confrontation is necessary if we hope to change someone’s heart.
It’s important to give yourself time before confronting someone who hates you. Don’t jump right into the middle of a heated argument. Take your time to calm your nerves and gather your thoughts. Then approach the subject calmly and confidently. Try to convey your message without attacking the person verbally. Instead, focus on explaining why you disagree with their views. Stay focused on the issue at hand and let go of past grievances.
Avoid Personal Attacks At All Costs
Personal attacks are extremely dangerous weapons. They undermine our self esteem and encourage haters to attack even harder. A personal attack is any statement made regarding a person that implies blame, shame, or humiliation. Examples include calling someone “stupid,” “crazy,” “a jerk,” or “idiot.” Whenever possible, avoid labeling people in this manner. An alternative would be to say, “I’m concerned about the direction your ideas seem to be headed in,” or “Your attitude seems to indicate that you’re more interested in winning than making progress together.”
Even if you know someone is guilty of committing these acts, refraining from personal attacks allows you to maintain your dignity. You won’t come across as a bully trying to dominate someone. Rather, you’ll appear reasonable and sincere.
Remember that even if you don’t personally harbor ill will toward someone, you probably know many people who do. So, whenever possible, seek out positive solutions to problems instead of engaging in destructive behaviors.
Know Your Limits
Hatred is a slippery slope. If we ignore the hatred we encounter, eventually we will end up hating someone for reasons we had once loved. Before we know it, we’ve turned our backs on friends, family, and even pets. Unfortunately, it’s hard to put a limit on how far we can take this practice.
While sometimes hatred feels justified, remember that hatred is ultimately unproductive and unnecessary. Just because you don’t approve of someone’s beliefs, opinions, or lifestyle doesn’t mean you have the right to hate them. Sometimes hatred is born out of jealousy or insecurity. Other times it stems from ignorance. Whatever the reason, it’s essential that we recognize the limits of our hatred and use our critical thinking skills to identify the underlying issues. Only then can we use our hatred constructively and move forward toward a better future.

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