Thing I Don T Like

When your brother commits suicide, you don’t tell him that ‘life is too tough’ or ‘its because of his bad habits’. You don’t say that he was not good enough at studies or anything else. Instead you try to understand what actually went wrong in his life. And then you help him find solutions to those problems. But when it’s you, you feel the same way. Even if you know deep inside yourself that whatever happened had nothing to do with your personality, but you still go around telling everyone the same thing. Why? Because we feel that its our duty as humans to spread awareness and make others aware. We think that if more people knew this would be better.
But the truth is- It isn’t!
I lost my dad 3 months ago. He used to work in a software company in Bangalore. He left us after 20 years due to ill health. This year itself has been hard on all of us. My mom works as a manager in her old job and my sister works in a bank. They both earn less than half of what my dad earned. And we live in a small house with just two rooms. Our expenses include rent, food, electricity, water, gas, telephone bill, insurance etc. We also have some loans which add up to several lakhs. I am 23 years old and I have never received any financial aid from anyone.
My dad was working there for over 10 years and I guess that’s why no one thought that he could be depressed. His colleagues were very close to him and even called him ‘friend’. Everyone knew how much he loved his family and how much he did for them. One day he told me that he was feeling sick. I asked him to take rest and come back home. A week later he came back and said that he can’t continue anymore. He said that he wanted to die. I tried convincing him by saying “Dad please don’t do this.” But he continued to drink alcohol and smoke pot. Then one night someone knocked on the door. When I opened it, my dad was standing outside holding a gun. He shot himself in front of my eyes. I found out many things about my father after his death.
1. He was living alone in a rented apartment. He didn’t have any savings for emergencies. He stopped paying the rent and the landlord started thinking that he died.
2. He hadn’t paid EMI since last 7 months.
3. He used to work overtime regularly and sometimes worked extra hours.
4. He consumed liquor every weekend and got into fights often.
5. He was addicted to smoking marijuana.
6. He wasn’t able to get promotion for 5 years.
7. He was not happy with his current job and kept changing jobs.
8. He was extremely lazy and couldn’t stay fit.
9. He spent most of his time watching TV shows rather than doing his regular household chores.
10. He was afraid of heights and preferred staying indoors instead of going out.
11. He hardly celebrated festivals and major events of his religion.
12. He believed that all religions preach love and peace.
13. He felt that killing oneself is against the teachings of all religions.
14. He hated his wife and children a lot.
15. He didn’t want to leave behind his debts.
16. He felt guilty about leaving his daughter behind.
17. He wished he could’ve lived longer to see his son grow up.
18. He took pride in being a true Indian.
19. He used to send money to relatives abroad.
20. He didn’t believe in God.
21. He didn’t believe in destiny.
22. He didn’t believe in luck.
23. He thought that everyone should follow their heart and not their mind.
24. He blamed his fate for making him suffer.
25. He thought that people shouldn’t complain about their lives.
26. He thought that the world will change once India becomes stronger economically.
27. He thought that women are inferior to men.
28. He thought that the rich are richer because of their wealth and not through talent.
29. He thought that happiness comes from within.
30. He didn’t believe in relationships.
31. He didn’t believe in friendships.
32. He didn’t believe in love.
33. He thought that life has no meaning.
34. He felt worthless.
35. He felt lonely.
36. He missed his friends.
37. He hated his loneliness.
38. He regretted choosing his profession.
39. He made mistakes.
40. He thought that he deserved punishment.
41. He blamed his wife for his failures.
42. He blamed his parents for ruining his life.
43. He blamed his fate for having such a short life.
44. He hated himself.
45. He hated his past.
46. He hated his present.
47. He hated his future.
48. He hated himself for dying before seeing his son grow up.
49. He hated himself for failing his wife and kids.
50. He hated himself for not being a good husband and a good father.
51. He hated himself for causing pain to his wife and kids.
52. He hated himself for being poor.
53. He hated himself for being weak.
54. He hated himself for being selfish.
55. He hated himself for not helping his family financially.
56. He hated himself for not earning enough.
57. He hated himself for not supporting his family.
58. He hated himself for not giving importance to his own self.
59. He hated himself for not trying harder.
60. He hated himself for letting down his family.
61. He hated himself for not taking action.
62. He hated himself for not being patient.
63. He hated himself for being greedy.
64. He hated himself for not being honest.
65. He hated himself for wasting his talents.
66. He hated himself for not being sincere.
67. He hated himself for being indecisive.
68. He hated himself for being arrogant.
69. He hated himself for not being strong.
70. He hated himself for believing in coincidences.
71. He hated himself for being selfish.
72. He hated himself for not finding answers.
73. He hated himself for being irresponsible.
74. He hated himself for not understanding people.
75. He hated himself for being indecisive.
76. He hated himself for blaming others.
77. He hated himself for not accepting responsibility.
78. He hated himself for not caring about other people.
79. He hated himself for not loving his wife and kids.
80. He hated himself for not knowing where his life was heading.
81. He hated himself for being naive.
82. He hated himself for not getting ahead despite being intelligent.
83. He hated himself for not being compassionate.
84. He hated himself for being jealous.
85. He hated himself for being stubborn.
86. He hated himself for being selfish.
87. He hated himself for being dishonest.
88. He hated himself for not being grateful.
89. He hated himself for not being truthful.
90. He hated himself for not being supportive.
91. He hated himself for not forgiving his wife.
92. He hated himself for being indifferent.
93. He hated himself for being hypocritical.
94. He hated himself for being ignorant.
95. He hated himself for being stingy.
96. He hated himself for not listening to others.
97. He hated himself for being cowardly.
98. He hated himself for being insensitive.
99. He hated himself for being a hypocrite.
100. He hated himself for being selfish.
101. He hated himself for not knowing how to forgive.
102. He hated himself for being shallow minded.
103. He hated himself for being pretentious.
104. He hated himself for being impulsive.
105. He hated himself for being impatient.
106. He hated himself for being naïve.
107. He hated himself for being self centered.
108. He hated himself for not respecting his wife.
109. He hated himself for being lazy.
110. He hated himself for not helping his wife financially.
111. He hated himself for being petty.
112. He hated himself for being superficial.
113. He hated himself for being rude.
114. He hated himself for being selfish.
115. He hated himself for not trying harder.
116. He hated himself for not being considerate.
117. He hated himself for being careless.
118. He hated himself for being deceitful.
119. He hated himself for not showing compassion.
120. He hated himself for not understanding people.
121. He hated himself for being greedy.
122. He hated himself for being arrogant.
123. He hated himself for being unkind.
124. He hated himself for not being kind.

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