Why Am I Sexually Attracted To Older Men

“I was on a date with an older man last week when he said something interesting about his attraction to me. He told me that the reason why he’s interested in dating younger women is because of what they lack compared to him.  He explained that “”younger”” meant anything under 30 years old. And while he wasn’t saying this in a creepy way, he did seem to be implying that there are physical features that I don’t have (or at least that I used to have but no longer do) which makes him more attractive to him than me. When I asked him if he thought that might make some people uncomfortable, he just shrugged it off as no big deal.
This got me thinking. Why am I sexually attracted to older men? Is it because of my age gap relative to them? Or because I think they’ll take better care of me financially/emotionally/physically? Is it because I’m insecure or lonely and therefore desperate for any attention from anyone?
These questions aren’t really about sex so much as they are about myself. But I also know that these things play into how I feel about sex. So I decided to write my answers down here and see where they lead me. Maybe other women will find this interesting too, especially since we tend to focus so much on looks and age gaps instead of personality and compatibility.
The first thing I realized is that my sexual attractions are all over the place. There are times when I’m drawn toward younger men who look 20-25 years younger than me. Other times, I’m drawn toward older men who look 10-15 years older than me. Sometimes, it’s someone who looks like their mid-30s, while other times it’s someone who looks like they’re in their 50s. It changes depending on my mood.
It’s hard to say exactly why that is. One theory could be that I’ve been through the same life experiences as the older men I’m drawn to – divorce, loss of jobs, aging parents, etc. Another possibility is that I’m unconsciously comparing myself to them. If I were young again, would I still be attracted to them? Would they still appeal to me now? What does this tell us about the nature of attractiveness?
One common belief is that I’m looking for love, stability, commitment, financial security, companionship, and emotional support. This seems true to me. Being with someone younger often means having to give up those things, whereas being with someone older gives me a chance to get back what I’ve lost or regain what I didn’t realize I had.
So yes, I may have daddy issues or unresolved childhood conflicts with my father. But whether I consciously realize it or not, I may also subconsciously believe that being with someone older means I won’t lose financial independence, emotional support, or time together to raise children.
A lot of research has gone into why people fall in love with specific partners. Studies indicate that romantic relationships between people of different races and cultures are more likely to end in marriage and childbirth. In terms of race, studies show that white couples have children less frequently than black couples. As far as culture goes, white Americans are found to have higher rates of infant mortality than blacks.
Another study showed that women who experienced childhood neglect or abuse were more likely to marry men who expressed interest in another woman. Researchers speculate that women who grew up feeling devalued by society may be more comfortable committing themselves fully to men who haven’t achieved the same level of success. On the flip side, women who felt successful on their own before getting married may want to commit to men who appear strong and capable.
Other studies have shown that women who experience depression are more likely to seek out men who either match their current status quo or who are perceived as stronger than they are. Women who are highly competitive and driven may be drawn to men who are passive and unambitious.
Another fascinating recent finding was that women who are most satisfied with their relationship quality are more likely to be in one-sided marriages. That means that although a couple may enjoy equal levels of intimacy and affection, one partner is more invested emotionally or physically. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that sometimes this is because the woman is giving more of her time and energy to the man during certain periods of the year. For example, she may work full-time and have children during the day, then go home and spend time cooking dinner and cleaning the house after putting her son to bed each night. Then she may watch him sleep for a bit until her husband gets home around 9pm. At which point she may help him put his shoes and clothes away, make him a drink, and wash his face before helping him relax with a bath or shower. She may even tuck him in bed and kiss him goodnight right before turning off the lights and going to bed herself.
In contrast, a man who’s the primary breadwinner may be working late hours and traveling extensively for business. He may come home exhausted and unwind by playing video games, watching TV, eating junk food, or doing whatever else he feels like. He may not bathe or change clothes after coming home. He may be sleeping in later nights.
Some psychologists theorize that women who stay home and take care of the family are more willing to compromise in order to maintain a happy union. They argue that women who choose to work outside the home don’t have the luxury of staying home whenever they’d like without risking job opportunities for their families.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay home and raising kids. But I’m starting to wonder if some women who choose to stay home actually prefer sacrificing their happiness for others’ sake. Some researchers claim that women who work full-time earn 70% less per month than women who stay home. I agree that money isn’t everything, but it certainly helps your ability to live comfortably.
I also understand that it’s important to provide financially for yourself, your family, and your future retirement. However, I’m starting to wonder if some women who choose to work outside the home actually prefer sacrificing their happiness for others’ sake.
While I don’t necessarily subscribe to the idea that women who opt to work outside the home are selfish, I do think there’s value in considering what sacrifices you’re making. You may be unaware of how much you’re giving up. Are you compromising your personal freedom? Do you have time for friends and hobbies? Have you sacrificed your self-respect, confidence, and sense of identity?
Perhaps you’re trying to prove that you can succeed on your own and are tired of waiting for Mr. Right to arrive. I completely respect that. But I’ve heard plenty of stories of women who chose to stay home only to regret it later. Many wish they’d worked instead.
I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t strive to achieve greater financial success in your career. But maybe consider how that affects you personally. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for others unless you absolutely need to.
What do you think? Do you find yourself attracted to older men? Does it relate to your age gap relative to them? Tell me your thoughts below.
And please share this article with other women who may struggle with similar challenges. We’re in this together!
Recommended Reading: Why Women Love Bad Boys & Alpha Males | Dating Insight
Tia Kringle is a professional writer and editor based in Brooklyn, NY. Her writing appears online at Psychology Today, Thought Catalog, Broadly, Refinery29, Elite Daily, Cosmopolitan.com, Bustle, Marie Claire, Self, Jezebel, Ladies Home Journal, ForbesWoman, Ask A Manager, Refinery29, Bitch Media, Mic, Redbookmagazine.com, Psychology Today, Thought Catalog, Thought Catalog, Elle Magazine, Vogue.com, Washington Post, Fast Company, Business Insider, Real Simple, Huffington Post, Cosmo, TIME, Forbes, People, Parenting, New York Times, Yahoo News, BBC News, NBCNews.”