Why Does The World Hate Me
I was born in a small town in New Jersey. I grew up with my parents, two brothers, and sister. We lived next to an elementary school that had a basketball court and dirt driveway. Our house was on a dead-end street and we were surrounded by trees. My father worked at a paper mill as did most people around us. This is where I spent most of my childhood years.
When I was five, my mother took me to see Dr. William Walsh who diagnosed me with ADHD. He thought it would be helpful for me to take Ritalin until I graduated from high school. That didn’t work so well but it helped some.
As a child growing up in Newark, NJ, there wasn’t much going on outside our neighborhood. It was very boring and isolated. In fact, when I was younger, I used to imagine what life must have been like before cars. There was none of this pollution or noise which made me feel disconnected. When you’re young, your mind can wander and daydream about anything.
During those early years, I got into trouble a lot. I guess you could say I was a bad kid. I was always getting suspended from school and often times sent home because my behavior wouldn’t change. At one point, I even skipped out of school!
By age 14, I started using drugs. Marijuana, LSD, cocaine, and heroin eventually became part of my lifestyle. By the time I turned 20, I was completely addicted to heroin and living on the streets.
In 1994, when I was 21, I moved to San Francisco. I tried everything to get clean including Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), and other 12 step programs. Nothing really ever worked.
Then, something changed inside me. Through a friend introduced me to the principles of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) which is a spiritual program based upon love. ACIM states “Love never fails.” Love heals all wounds. And love will teach you how to forgive yourself and others. You don’t need anyone else’s help to do this.
The first thing I noticed about myself after making changes within was that I felt more peaceful. I no longer felt anxious. As I continued practicing loving thoughts, I gradually learned to let go of anger, resentment, and any negative feelings. Instead, I chose to focus on positive things every single day.
After several months of focusing only on happy thoughts, I decided I wanted to become a speaker. So, I enrolled in Toastmasters International which teaches public speaking skills while encouraging members to practice their abilities through role playing. After I completed my training, I began giving presentations at various schools, churches, and corporations.
Over the past decade, I’ve spoken in front of hundreds of thousands of people across the country and abroad. I give talks about overcoming addictions, depression, and anxiety. I also speak to audiences on self-empowerment and personal transformation.
Through it all, I’ve met many wonderful people along the way. Some are business associates, friends, family, etc., who shared with me their own stories of triumphs and failures. What they taught me has impacted my life tremendously. They showed me true unconditional love.
Unfortunately, not everyone received love as I did. Many people hate me because of my success story. Why? Because they envy my freedom and happiness. But why does the world hate me? Is it possible that I’m just too special? Or am I simply doing the best I can?
I believe each person is here on earth for a specific reason. No one knows what that purpose may be but we should embrace this journey without fear or regret. If our purpose is to live our lives freely then we should follow our heart’s desires.
Our spirit is eternal. Once we die, our soul leaves this earth plane and goes back to its source. Our souls return to God/Universal Source energy. When we leave the physical plane, we forget all our earthly traumas and hardships.
We carry nothing with us except our consciousness and memories. Therefore, if we hate ourselves, it doesn’t matter once we leave this earth plane. However, if we choose to judge ourselves harshly, we’ll continue to suffer.
This is what happened to me during my addiction stage. One morning, I woke up hating myself. I hated that I had ruined my life and that I couldn’t stop using drugs. I hated that I’d lost so many loved ones. I hated that I was homeless and broke. I looked down at myself lying on the sidewalk and saw nothing but shame.
My heart hurt. I felt hopeless.
Later that day, I went to Walgreens to buy new clothes. While standing in line waiting for my turn to check out, I heard someone behind me yell, “Hey man, you stink!” I turned around and saw a guy wearing an old stained t-shirt. His face was covered with acne scars.
He said, “You look disgusting. Your clothing looks cheap. You smell awful. Why don’t you shower?”
At that moment, I snapped. I stood there frozen with rage. Then, I yelled right back saying, “Because I don’t want to! I’m filthy dirty and I deserve to stay this way!”
His response was, “Yeah, whatever,” and walked away. After he left, I sat on the ground crying. Suddenly, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself for feeling such hatred towards him.
What I realized later was that his words mirrored my inner voice. He echoed exactly what I believed deep down inside. How sad that it took losing my job and becoming homeless for me to realize that.
It seems that the world hates me because it mirrors my innermost beliefs and fears. It’s hard to accept that. But if we hate ourselves, it’s difficult to expect anyone else to treat us better.
To be honest, I still struggle with this today. I find myself judging myself harshly for mistakes I’ve made. Even though I know better, I sometimes fall victim to negativity. For example, if I make a mistake at work, I might think, “Oh, I’m such an idiot. This is unacceptable!”
Instead, I should try to remember that I’m human and make changes accordingly. I shouldn’t beat myself up over tiny little errors.
If we hate ourselves, we won’t allow anyone else to either. We tend to blame others instead of taking responsibility for our actions. We hold onto grudges and refuse to move forward. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves. We lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that we’re worthless.
Hate is toxic. Hatred negatively impacts the nervous system, immune system, and endocrine system. Extreme emotions trigger the release of stress hormones in the brain. Over time, these stress hormones lead to increased inflammation throughout the body, resulting in significant health consequences.
Hating oneself causes pain and suffering. It prevents recovery and growth.
So, why do the world hates me? Perhaps I’m just too special? Or maybe I’m simply doing the best I can? Maybe I haven’t yet reached my full potential? Who knows. Only the future will tell.
For now, I’d rather be free than right. I hope you agree.
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